"Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me—I quit.'"

"To me, a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that."

"Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?"

"I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day—you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order.' TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed."

"The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it."

"Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is. If you think you have it tough, read history books."

"We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies."

"I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?"

"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake—you know, to send the right message to kids."

"Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable."

"Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do."

"I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again."

"We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities."

"We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists."

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."

"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence."